Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something." Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there. Jim Gaffigan shelvessonjesus It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does. Jim Gaffigan impactprofoundthinking You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside. Jim Gaffigan mayonnaiseokayuse After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! Jim Gaffigan pocketshotfunny It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.' Jim Gaffigan qualitywishyears If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house? Jim Gaffigan campingalways-tryinghouse For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny. Jim Gaffigan catching-oncomedianluck There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters. Jim Gaffigan erascomedianperception How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. Jim Gaffigan successfulsleepfunny I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?" Jim Gaffigan teenagerbabyfunny I like to think of bread as really bland cake. Jim Gaffigan cakebreadthinking If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill." Jim Gaffigan dadguyfunny I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right? Jim Gaffigan st-patrickmy-familycatholic I don't want people to think I believe in God. Jim Gaffigan believepeoplethinking I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Jim Gaffigan comedyguyfunny Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. Jim Gaffigan partychildrenpeople I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.' Jim Gaffigan new-yorklatinfunny I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting - a bunch of people that don't wanna grow up. Jim Gaffigan growing-upcharacterthinking We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was "The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And it was a bit terrifying. Jim Gaffigan catholicchurchkids I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers. Jim Gaffigan growing-upselfthinking
