Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something." Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism. Jim Gaffigan narcissismkindideas I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives. Jim Gaffigan eccentricguysilly I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout. Jim Gaffigan realselfneeds Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it. Jim Gaffigan teenagerbeautifulthinking I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. Jim Gaffigan mafiafunnythinking You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?" Jim Gaffigan cancerfunnybook I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time. Jim Gaffigan too-muchwaythinking One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied. Jim Gaffigan saladbenefitseating I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things." Jim Gaffigan waitingpeoplethinking There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think. Jim Gaffigan challengesfunthinking Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved. Jim Gaffigan next-daycaringschool Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. Jim Gaffigan weight-watcherstastethinking Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat. Jim Gaffigan come-uptraditiontrying I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life. Jim Gaffigan comedyideasthinking We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’ Jim Gaffigan humorfunnytwo There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are you Puerto Rican? And so I ended up - my ethnic identity was Midwestern, was white bread. And so it informed a lot of my stand-up. Jim Gaffigan italiannew-yorkthinking Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker? Jim Gaffigan refereestrangethinking I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed. Jim Gaffigan issueslaughingpeople I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells. Jim Gaffigan girlfriendnamesfunny The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings. Jim Gaffigan buffalomealswings
