Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. Doug Stanhope walletsparentwaiting Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society. Doug Stanhope twochildrensex So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps. Doug Stanhope stickshelpingmight Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area. Doug Stanhope ordersexneeds I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures. Doug Stanhope babyfatherpeople That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. Doug Stanhope comedyhumorfunny There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years. Doug Stanhope rootsnightyears Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. Doug Stanhope humorfunnyjesus The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds. Doug Stanhope two-different-worldslastsfirsts I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. Doug Stanhope athleticmusicalattention I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?! Doug Stanhope humordrinkingfunny he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference." Doug Stanhope madmediathinking Sex is free fun for poor people. Doug Stanhope funsexpeople I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps. Doug Stanhope need-youhelpingneeds I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory. Doug Stanhope careersgoalplay AA makes Scientology look credible. Doug Stanhope crediblescientologylooks As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. Doug Stanhope opening-uphumorfunny I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at. Doug Stanhope drankdrug Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing. Doug Stanhope The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. Doug Stanhope progressive-societyinstitutionsprogressive
