Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane. Craig Ferguson insanebravelooks I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath. Craig Ferguson miseryarabiathinking I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember. Craig Ferguson overcomingsidestrying I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants. Craig Ferguson excitedipads I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies. Craig Ferguson zombiemonstersfunny I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else. Craig Ferguson cleverbelievechildren I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it. Craig Ferguson realmenthinking Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012 Craig Ferguson mayanscalendarsquitting For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require. Craig Ferguson parisweathermorning It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year. Craig Ferguson great-daymeanyears It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan. Craig Ferguson lawdesirelong I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. Craig Ferguson scotlandpotatoeschristmas With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying. Craig Ferguson smarterparodypeople It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots. Craig Ferguson maypeopleworld I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater. Craig Ferguson dragonshumorfunny I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to. Craig Ferguson causescrazyclever It 's the time of year when Canadians mate. Craig Ferguson humorfunnyyears The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks. Craig Ferguson queensbeautykids It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism. Craig Ferguson triumphromancecynicism The Universe is very, very big. Craig Ferguson universebigstime
