Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.

Dennis Miller

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

Dennis Miller

common-sense fear people

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Dennis Miller

obamacare politics needs

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

Dennis Miller

coffee father breakfast

Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place.

Dennis Miller

opportunity country father

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Dennis Miller

hate reason people

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Dennis Miller

washington-dc cheesy lying

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

Dennis Miller

courses pain feels

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Dennis Miller

comedy educational problem

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Dennis Miller

paper-towels self water

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

Dennis Miller

tick bombs ideas

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Dennis Miller

zero dark people

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?

Dennis Miller

weed football two

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular

Dennis Miller

light eye thinking

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

Dennis Miller

moron politics stupid

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller

humor running funny

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Dennis Miller

sceptic used-to-be used

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

Dennis Miller

work jobs people

My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

Dennis Miller

inspirational funny travel

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.

Dennis Miller

country book people

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Dennis Miller

celine legal-system thinking