Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. Fred Allen More Quotes by Fred Allen More Quotes From Fred Allen Television is the triumph of machine over people. Fred Allen humorfunnypeople California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen californialaughterfunny Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Fred Allen powerfulhumorouswitty What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. Fred Allen sarcasmsarcasticinspirational To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it. Fred Allen itemsskinshumans A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it. Fred Allen skinshumansstories A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. Fred Allen gentlemanmenfunny He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument. Fred Allen argumentangeruse Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the medium embraced. All the human race demands of its members is that they be born. That is all vaudeville demanded. You just had to be born. You could be ignorant and be a star. You could be a moron and be wealthy. The elements that went to make up vaudeville were combed from the jungles, the four corners of the world, the intelligentsia and the subnormal. Fred Allen honestystarsintegrity I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. Fred Allen humorouswittyfunny The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. Fred Allen agencyhumorfunny The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four Fred Allen maturitygirlhome A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself. Fred Allen humortalkingmen I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines. Fred Allen easterhomekids All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. Fred Allen fire-escapeshumorconversation If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now. Fred Allen humorcriticismfunny A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. Fred Allen humorworkfunny I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen familywittyfunny My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. Fred Allen alabamaunclessouthern If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. Fred Allen humorracefunny
