Here's some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don't take it on national TV. Tom Segura More Quotes by Tom Segura More Quotes From Tom Segura If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere. Tom Segura hatrideyouhorse It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them. Tom Segura mejokeswantpeople I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge. Tom Segura yourichdadwar I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller. Tom Segura observationalstorytellersarcastic I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me. Tom Segura fatmelongpeople I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.' Tom Segura daygoodmyselfyou I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.' Tom Segura youcareatingfood I think I'm a decent person. Tom Segura i-thinkpersonthinkdecent I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies. Tom Segura bagbestyouexperience People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.' Tom Segura yourwillmanpeople I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit. Tom Segura knowyoualwaysaudience When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.' Tom Segura roadcityyoutime I'll never be a TV writer. Tom Segura writertvnever I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do. Tom Segura seemyselfthinkalways I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts. Tom Segura goodyoulifepeople I've never been a big party guy or super social. Tom Segura bigneverpartyguy I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever. Tom Segura manold-maneventsforever Every person learns with time and experience. Tom Segura everypersonexperiencetime I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more. Tom Segura muchmorejokesused You should make travel as comfortable as possible. Tom Segura possibleyoucomfortabletravel
