I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever. Justin Halpern More Quotes by Justin Halpern More Quotes From Justin Halpern I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him. Justin Halpern dad giving book On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it. Justin Halpern nice home past Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read. Justin Halpern champion book breakfast Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. Justin Halpern balls faces teacher You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. Justin Halpern pool nine years You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. Justin Halpern feel-better inspirational ideas If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time. Justin Halpern sweatpants garbage creative When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of. Justin Halpern made people Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom. Justin Halpern gang prison worry You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit. Justin Halpern bullshit sick looks Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry. Justin Halpern car people thinking You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. Justin Halpern tornadoes bullshit house Sometimes its nice when people you love need you. Justin Halpern nice people needs [The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems. Justin Halpern emotional girl fall My dad is awesome. Justin Halpern awesome dad
