I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Dave Barry appreciatestupiditygod And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. Dave Barry sizestupiditygod Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. Dave Barry stupiditygodcountry Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. Dave Barry picnicsguitartables A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp. Dave Barry resultspoundslooks Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox. Dave Barry muskcongresshouse Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating for is Orson Welles. Dave Barry mothergolfmean Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. Dave Barry kentuckygoddirty Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato. Dave Barry genesfoundlittles Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera. Dave Barry citiesnew-yorkmissing Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully insightful, superbly crafted song of the soul that had me laughing and crying too Dave Barry darkheartsong Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. Dave Barry moderngraspingart Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. Dave Barry godfeetnight [American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect. Dave Barry lawadviceway Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Dave Barry foodyearsschool The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. Dave Barry irstollsideas I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . . Dave Barry vastnessscenesex Eventually everyone has to die, except Elvis. Dave Barry dies In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats. Dave Barry teamsoftballdrinking We kids feared many things in those days - werewolves, dentists, North Koreans, Sunday School - but they all paled in comparison with Brussels sprouts. Dave Barry sundaykidsschool
