I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. Steven Wright cat eye dog You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Steven Wright swear humor funny If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? Steven Wright mirrors reflection hair I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Steven Wright christmas brother funny Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests. Steven Wright vests snakes arms Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. Steven Wright humor business funny Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' Steven Wright bed lasts wish The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Steven Wright humor home funny A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better. Steven Wright humor friendship funny I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops Steven Wright understanding air home My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. Steven Wright humor birthday funny I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start. Steven Wright suicide writing funny I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. Steven Wright humor night funny I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright humorous witty funny I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'. Steven Wright jobs funny book I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. Steven Wright motivational-sports humor funny It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. Steven Wright gears reading writing Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Steven Wright agents humor funny Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was. Steven Wright humor funny country I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. Steven Wright humor giving funny
