I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. Steven Wright trafficshouldhelping Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? Steven Wright humorhealingfunny Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. Steven Wright phonesearslooks Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Steven Wright humorfunnypeople What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Steven Wright plantanimal It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright confusedconfusionbird I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. Steven Wright linesshytrying I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright humorfunnypeople Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. Steven Wright nicehomechildren I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. Steven Wright cookinghumorfood The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Steven Wright humorbreadfunny If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Steven Wright zerohumorfunny I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright suicidefunnydeath I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. Steven Wright zebrasturnsreading The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. Steven Wright informationpeopleyears If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Steven Wright succeedfunnyfirsts If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright humorlightfunny Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright gamblingnightpeople Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? Steven Wright half-lifecathalf Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Steven Wright humorsongfunny
