I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damnit, we were almost there!

Mitch Hedberg

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

Mitch Hedberg

humor would-be funny

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny way

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

humor food funny

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Mitch Hedberg

humor watches funny

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Mitch Hedberg

humor light funny

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg

humor brother funny

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

drunk humor funny

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny long

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

Mitch Hedberg

humor jobs funny

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

Mitch Hedberg

mcdonalds humor funny

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny hands

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Mitch Hedberg

cancer humor funny

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny rooms

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

Mitch Hedberg

humor clever funny

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Mitch Hedberg

wine humor funny

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

Mitch Hedberg

arrows humor funny

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

Mitch Hedberg

dont-give-up giving-up funny

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

wall depressing funny

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

humor birthday funny

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

Mitch Hedberg

humor race funny