I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine More Quotes by Tim Vine More Quotes From Tim Vine Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust. Tim Vine hoovercollectingdust Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. Tim Vine trickscoupleblow Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine dadbrotherfunny Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine sore-eyessiteeye So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' Tim Vine humortuesdayfunny So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Tim Vine chineseredducks I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze. Tim Vine tanningolympicssun You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Tim Vine huntinghumorfunny So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' Tim Vine humorgamesfunny My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." Tim Vine humorfunnythinking I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Tim Vine humortryingfunny If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. Tim Vine punifs I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. Tim Vine lazyhumorfunny Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. Tim Vine humorfunnybelieve Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. Tim Vine filing-cabinethumorfunny Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine carlevelsdifferent So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!' Tim Vine oystershumorfunny One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out Tim Vine butlersdishes I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Tim Vine coffeewritingthinking I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. Tim Vine gluereadingbook
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