I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen More Quotes by Woody Allen More Quotes From Woody Allen You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert. Woody Allen windtwoart My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. Woody Allen successclassfunny I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen inspirationalfunnydeath I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen sadismhorsesarcastic Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue. Woody Allen humordramafunny If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen atheistwittyphilosophy I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen intelligenthumorfunny I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. Woody Allen funny-lifehatewitty Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. Woody Allen punishmenthumorfunny I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. Woody Allen humorousheartwitty Ninety percent of life is just showing up. Woody Allen fitness-motivationalshowing-uplife-is My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. Woody Allen middle-childmotherchildren Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen godinspirationalfunny I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. Woody Allen humorousnew-yorkwitty Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen lifefunnyart I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die. Woody Allen toiletscarebusy Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen lifefunnydeath I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics. Woody Allen catholicbelievepeople It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to. Woody Allen dancewritingworld Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind. Woody Allen humansknowingmind
