I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more. Andy Kindler More Quotes by Andy Kindler More Quotes From Andy Kindler Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here. Andy Kindler kevincouple George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream. Andy Kindler eyebloodyears I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say. Andy Kindler holocaustcoupleyears Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped. Andy Kindler sidekickscarguy Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks. Andy Kindler crackersredneckguy Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch. Andy Kindler baitrootswatches Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended. Andy Kindler conandesksguy I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this. Andy Kindler upsetdrivingnames Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street. Andy Kindler apologizingapologyguy I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map! Andy Kindler mapsguypeople There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented. Andy Kindler talentgeniuspeople The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone. Andy Kindler pixarphonesguy I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler. Andy Kindler acesmachinesperfect My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car. Andy Kindler wifepartykeys Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered. Andy Kindler holidaybelieveyears Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself. Andy Kindler challengeswhitepeople I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert. Andy Kindler threesongthinking I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about. Andy Kindler togethertalkingmen Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough? Andy Kindler faketalkingpeople CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me. Andy Kindler cnnnewshelping
