I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. Doug Stanhope angry I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. Doug Stanhope humornosesfunny Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company. Doug Stanhope companyconversationmean I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end. Doug Stanhope battleendsgoes-on You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. Doug Stanhope speak-englishcountryfirsts Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system! Doug Stanhope pussymankindflaws I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. Doug Stanhope boiler-roomstuffrooms Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation. Doug Stanhope tiredmusicpeople If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop. Doug Stanhope pierspoopfun The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. Doug Stanhope comedianclubsdone A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party. Doug Stanhope realjobsfunny I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech? Doug Stanhope freedom-of-speechwhat-ifchildren I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now. Doug Stanhope tapejerklooks There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house. Doug Stanhope cardrughouse
