I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." Rodney Dangerfield wife humor funny In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. Rodney Dangerfield teacher funny school My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield funny-love dark love-you My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark Rodney Dangerfield humor funny believe When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. Rodney Dangerfield wife mother names I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. Rodney Dangerfield doctors wife thinking I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early". Rodney Dangerfield humor home funny Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. Rodney Dangerfield daughter stupid funny I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. Rodney Dangerfield gambling horse gun I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again. Rodney Dangerfield play kids people When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield doctors mother beauty Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. Rodney Dangerfield making-love wife fire I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. Rodney Dangerfield humor funny kids What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. Rodney Dangerfield reading dog funny If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. Rodney Dangerfield eye beautiful beauty I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! Rodney Dangerfield humor funny two I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. Rodney Dangerfield wife humor funny They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. Rodney Dangerfield home men night Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' Rodney Dangerfield operators basements elevators During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel. Rodney Dangerfield girlfriend funny sex
