I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too. Mitch Hedberg humorintegrityfunny 2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. Mitch Hedberg humorstupidfunny I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.' Mitch Hedberg being-yourselfthanksgivingfun I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. Mitch Hedberg girlfriendhumorfunny I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyfall Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? Mitch Hedberg clouds Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. Mitch Hedberg degreeshumorfunny Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" Mitch Hedberg humorplayfunny I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom. Mitch Hedberg zerohumorfunny I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? Mitch Hedberg humorforeverfunny I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg cleverwittyfunny I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." Mitch Hedberg salthumorfunny A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah." Mitch Hedberg humormenfunny I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg good-morninghumorfunny If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb! Mitch Hedberg humorlightfunny I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" Mitch Hedberg cuttinghumorfunny My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Mitch Hedberg humorfoodfunny I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. Mitch Hedberg humoranimalfunny A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg stockingsultimatefeet We don't have to fix anything. Mitch Hedberg
