"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod. Jim Gaffigan beaten originals lifetime It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H. Jim Gaffigan new-york years thinking You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read? Jim Gaffigan teach knows want How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.' Jim Gaffigan towels guy ideas How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. Jim Gaffigan dumb water thinking You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither. Jim Gaffigan humor funny book Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? Jim Gaffigan what-if thanksgiving people Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. Jim Gaffigan mother funny father I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. Jim Gaffigan routine jokes No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much. Jim Gaffigan rejection frustration too-much I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. Jim Gaffigan comedian parent opposites Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby. Jim Gaffigan imagine baby hands What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment? Jim Gaffigan dressings ingredients disappointment Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying. Jim Gaffigan fatherhood guy thinking My new years resolution? I will be less laz. Jim Gaffigan new-year inspirational funny The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a scenario where we consume a ton with individuals who pester the heck out of us. Jim Gaffigan gorges hey thanksgiving It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass. Jim Gaffigan hurricanes weather witty Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best? Jim Gaffigan sick humor funny I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female. Jim Gaffigan female voice thinking My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow. Jim Gaffigan marshmallow my-favorite vegetables
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