I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now. Emo Philips running kids children When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. Emo Philips illinois humor funny I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. Emo Philips girlfriend evil thinking You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists. Emo Philips damn careers girl I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one. Emo Philips purpose taken earth I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?" Emo Philips humor sorry funny I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. Emo Philips sexy doors thinking Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand. Emo Philips magazines Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me. Emo Philips hate-me hate people Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. Emo Philips forks restaurants girlfriend My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. Emo Philips humor parent funny I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. Emo Philips girl humor funny Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips humor funny reality I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips hilarious humorous funny So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. Emo Philips wall humor funny Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips encouragement morning funny I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. Emo Philips play chess men I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips humor fifty funny My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it. Emo Philips grandmother jobs kids They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. Emo Philips glasses beach thinking
