I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. Daniel Tosh marryingplanssex I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun. Daniel Tosh humorfunnythinking Kangoroos can't hop backwards. Daniel Tosh backwardshops I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working. Daniel Tosh eyefunnyjesus You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. Daniel Tosh girlfriendscaryfunny I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell. Daniel Tosh motherkidsjesus If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? Daniel Tosh tastefunnythinking A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. Daniel Tosh whiterunningpeople Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show. Daniel Tosh comedycoupletrying I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic. Daniel Tosh thugrapperthinking If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? Daniel Tosh gardenedenlooks Describe your perfect man who looks like me. Daniel Tosh perfectmenlooks That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. Daniel Tosh asianguyfunny I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this. Daniel Tosh drinkingwarfunny Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. Daniel Tosh homelessriddleanswers We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Daniel Tosh namesplaypeople Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure. Daniel Tosh perfectnightchildren No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides. Daniel Tosh two-sidespancakesmatter Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse. Daniel Tosh realizingrealamerica Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11. Daniel Tosh doorsbeautifulart
