I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

Mitch Hedberg

Categorized in : Funny Home Humor

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

Mitch Hedberg

guy soccer two

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg

stairs convenience sorry

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

Mitch Hedberg

crazy humor funny

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny thinking

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"

Mitch Hedberg

silly writing funny

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

Mitch Hedberg

forks machines purpose

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Mitch Hedberg

humor real funny

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Mitch Hedberg

farms grows ants

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

Mitch Hedberg

humor listening funny

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny needs

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"

Mitch Hedberg

zero girl funny

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"

Mitch Hedberg

humor feet funny

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny thinking

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny way

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

Mitch Hedberg

humor sleep funny

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

Mitch Hedberg

humor doors funny

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny kids

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

Mitch Hedberg

different humor funny

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

Mitch Hedberg

dad writing funny

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

Mitch Hedberg

humor views funny