I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there. Mitch Hedberg names reality thinking If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." Mitch Hedberg humor real funny No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. Mitch Hedberg cones ice-cream ice I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!" Mitch Hedberg girl wine funny I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody. Mitch Hedberg mad mean people I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? Mitch Hedberg humor funny two I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. Mitch Hedberg guitar play teacher I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. Mitch Hedberg humor funny two I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. Mitch Hedberg humor stuff funny I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand. Mitch Hedberg humor funny hands My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. Mitch Hedberg girlfriend humor funny Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus. Mitch Hedberg next humor funny Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see." Mitch Hedberg horse confused funny If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised. Mitch Hedberg humor want funny I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! Mitch Hedberg humor waiting funny I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited. Mitch Hedberg becoming-one comedian couple I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. Mitch Hedberg giraffe hate animal I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky! Mitch Hedberg humor winning funny I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan. Mitch Hedberg fans humor funny
