I have a king sized bed, I don't know any kings, but if I ever meet one I can tell him "You will not believe what I have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

Mitch Hedberg

More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling... by Mitch Hedberg

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

Mitch Hedberg
humordrinkingfunny
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and... by Mitch Hedberg

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Mitch Hedberg
alphabetifslooks

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Mitch Hedberg
hatenew-yorkfunny

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around I cannot open the wall I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.

Mitch Hedberg
your-sidewalldoors

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

Mitch Hedberg
girlhumorfunny

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Mitch Hedberg
guyhumorfunny

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg
hungryshowswant

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

Mitch Hedberg
oatmealhumorfunny

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

Mitch Hedberg
humorfunnythinking

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg
let-it-gohumorfunny
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to hav... by Mitch Hedberg

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

Mitch Hedberg
humorlakesfunny

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

Mitch Hedberg
humorhomefunny

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Mitch Hedberg
addictionhumorfunny

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"

Mitch Hedberg
yellinghumorfunny
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire e... by Mitch Hedberg

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg
legsblockfire

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

Mitch Hedberg
humorhomefunny

I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

Mitch Hedberg
far-awaytreemen
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted... by Mitch Hedberg

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Mitch Hedberg
gamblingcirclessitting

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

Mitch Hedberg
forget-everythinghumorfunny

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

Mitch Hedberg
cuttinghumorfunny