I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new. Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes From Anthony Jeselnik If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop. Anthony Jeselnik firesonthinking It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. Anthony Jeselnik comedianguyimportant I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. Anthony Jeselnik yellinggirlfriendtrying Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry. Anthony Jeselnik halloweenholidayrazors There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job. Anthony Jeselnik jobspeoplethinking 2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream. Anthony Jeselnik summerdreamwriting The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility. Anthony Jeselnik gullibilitymeaning-of-christmascentury I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. Anthony Jeselnik my-ownwantkids I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show. Anthony Jeselnik crowdspeoplethinking I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. Anthony Jeselnik inspiredlaughingpeople I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more. Anthony Jeselnik mindlaughingpeople Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter. Anthony Jeselnik simplechildrenson I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop. Anthony Jeselnik royal-weddingplaywind My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriendhumorfunny When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant. Anthony Jeselnik restaurantsdinnergirlfriend My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. Anthony Jeselnik familysimplewant I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. Anthony Jeselnik notebookcuttingwriting Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general. Anthony Jeselnik stereotypeblackpeople I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor. Anthony Jeselnik employeejobsway I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it. Anthony Jeselnik get-awaymotherbaby
