I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated. Jim Norton More Quotes by Jim Norton More Quotes From Jim Norton While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window. Jim Norton forgiveness humorous funny And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child. Jim Norton running funny children The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it. Jim Norton darkness people needs What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house. Jim Norton cat guy house What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester? Jim Norton horse humor funny I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like. Jim Norton embarrassed want people Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like. Jim Norton museums art thinking People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't. Jim Norton laughing people thinking People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish. Jim Norton faults selfish people God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve. Jim Norton new-year hate funny God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. Jim Norton funny-marriage night kids I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody. Jim Norton humor wish funny Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades. Jim Norton clothes humor funny They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar. Jim Norton humor cartoon funny I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her. Jim Norton humor running funny There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future. Jim Norton humor tragedy funny It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else. Jim Norton country fall thinking My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good. Jim Norton existence struggle trying That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim? Jim Norton humor funny interesting I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice. Jim Norton rubber humor funny
