I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. Tommy Cooper More Quotes by Tommy Cooper More Quotes From Tommy Cooper I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.' Tommy Cooper humor sorry funny My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. Tommy Cooper humor dog funny Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then Tommy Cooper wells doctors i-can A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'. Tommy Cooper humor men funny I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. Tommy Cooper humor hair funny So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights". Tommy Cooper light kings men I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain. Tommy Cooper mountain ends tails I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. Tommy Cooper humor funny years A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." Tommy Cooper humor men funny I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. Tommy Cooper lunch humor funny A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road. Tommy Cooper humor men funny So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window. Tommy Cooper humor doors funny My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds. Tommy Cooper humor night funny It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. Tommy Cooper library humorous funny I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. Tommy Cooper camouflage humor funny Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Tommy Cooper humor funny two A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. Tommy Cooper bowls mines strong I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. Tommy Cooper doctors monday funny I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. Tommy Cooper horse humor funny Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. Tommy Cooper humor night funny
