I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. Henny Youngman More Quotes by Henny Youngman More Quotes From Henny Youngman She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. Henny Youngman humorfunnytwo Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? Henny Youngman watchesfunnytelevision When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. Henny Youngman I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" Henny Youngman humorgolffunny A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" Henny Youngman humormenfunny When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. Henny Youngman winninginspirationalfunny Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" Henny Youngman parking-metershumorfunny My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. Henny Youngman humorfoodfunny A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. Henny Youngman get-wellhumorfunny We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Henny Youngman marriagelifefunny A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" Henny Youngman humormenfunny I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. Henny Youngman confusedsexyfunny All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. Henny Youngman sickhumorfunny I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race... Henny Youngman horsehumorfunny During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. Henny Youngman girlwarfunny I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. Henny Youngman nicelawmother In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want! Henny Youngman footballyearsschool My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. Henny Youngman familytimefunny I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. Henny Youngman christmaswaitingwonderful Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? Henny Youngman humorfunnyorder
