I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. Mitch Hedberg humor depression funny I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" Mitch Hedberg humor want funny People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic! Mitch Hedberg basketball sports funny People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg dog funny people When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. Mitch Hedberg humor light funny I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!" Mitch Hedberg humor funny mean I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! Mitch Hedberg smell humor funny I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!" Mitch Hedberg running funny moving I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close. Mitch Hedberg humor want funny I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.' Mitch Hedberg humor stuff funny It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky. Mitch Hedberg dance inspirational funny I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound. Mitch Hedberg eye expression sound My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf." Mitch Hedberg light animal funny Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps Mitch Hedberg syrup waffles food I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg humorous witty funny Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth. Mitch Hedberg humor sweet funny Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too. Mitch Hedberg humor eye funny Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss Mitch Hedberg cheese rip missing I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. Mitch Hedberg argument tents girlfriend I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over. Mitch Hedberg humor funny mean
