I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin humordisappointmentfunny If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. George Carlin collapsehonestyphilosophy A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin dental-flosssleepheart Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that! George Carlin hatekingsjesus I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. George Carlin humorlifefunny Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin weddingtruthfunny The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. George Carlin coffeelightsweet There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. George Carlin humornamesfunny If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain George Carlin officedonepeople We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. George Carlin valuesparadoxpossession Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. George Carlin incentivespoliticalgiving We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin qualityideasthinking What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin what-ifinspirationallife The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember. George Carlin wisdomwisememories Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. George Carlin motivationallifefunny Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin wittypeacefunny The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you. George Carlin giving-uphurtdrinking It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. George Carlin slave-ownersphilosophycountry
