I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down. Lewis Black More Quotes by Lewis Black More Quotes From Lewis Black Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem... Lewis Black smartcrazycountry The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.' Lewis Black partytwoideas I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. Lewis Black coffeemightgiving Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots. Lewis Black crazymaythinking If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership! Lewis Black groupsleaderpeople This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them. Lewis Black gayworrybelieve Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.' Lewis Black republicanpresidentrunning Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. Lewis Black elected-officialsofficials Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal! Lewis Black sportssexschool Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' Lewis Black differencesdumbstupid If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass. Lewis Black gardenhumorfunny I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There's no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it. Lewis Black new-yorkdoorsyears What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. Lewis Black valentines-dayholidaylooks When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. Lewis Black energyrunningamerica If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself. Lewis Black subwaysingingguy We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas. Lewis Black partytwoideas Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich. Lewis Black richpayinteresting The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage. Lewis Black guiltyvotefeel-better I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka. Lewis Black moved-onscotchattention Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. Lewis Black countrypeopleway
