I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me. Mitch Hedberg humorwould-befunny I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyway Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Mitch Hedberg humorfoodfunny I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. Mitch Hedberg humorwatchesfunny When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. Mitch Hedberg humorlightfunny When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. Mitch Hedberg humorbrotherfunny If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. Mitch Hedberg drunkhumorfunny I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnylong I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er". Mitch Hedberg humorjobsfunny Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets." Mitch Hedberg mcdonaldshumorfunny When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyhands I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff. Mitch Hedberg cancerhumorfunny One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyrooms The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. Mitch Hedberg humorcleverfunny I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". Mitch Hedberg winehumorfunny When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. Mitch Hedberg arrowshumorfunny I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. Mitch Hedberg dont-give-upgiving-upfunny The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg walldepressingfunny I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg humorbirthdayfunny I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail! Mitch Hedberg humorracefunny
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