I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes From Anthony Jeselnik I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much. Anthony Jeselnik internet faces stuff I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault. Anthony Jeselnik austin twelve drunk I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. Anthony Jeselnik talking people thinking When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody. Anthony Jeselnik dies want I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up. Anthony Jeselnik acting My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy. Anthony Jeselnik class laughing firsts I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.' Anthony Jeselnik get-better said writing Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. Anthony Jeselnik roulette uncles player If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke. Anthony Jeselnik crowds next laughing I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh. Anthony Jeselnik make-me-laugh surprise laughing What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap. Anthony Jeselnik hats yankees guy I'm too cynical to be an optimist. Anthony Jeselnik cynical optimist I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. Anthony Jeselnik seeing comedian thinking One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different. Anthony Jeselnik fighting love-is thinking Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works. Anthony Jeselnik always-trying comedian doe I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. Anthony Jeselnik arrogant guy mean I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes. Anthony Jeselnik toes laughing people Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player. Anthony Jeselnik boston team player Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them. Anthony Jeselnik silence talking mean My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend complaining sex
