I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes From Anthony Jeselnik Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny kids Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage. Anthony Jeselnik dark writing thinking I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me. Anthony Jeselnik guy nice blow I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. Anthony Jeselnik dating blind night I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. Anthony Jeselnik cousin politics hypocrite Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.' Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend home baby Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. Anthony Jeselnik optimistic country thinking I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. Anthony Jeselnik knives ifs I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet. Anthony Jeselnik stupid jobs people I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone. Anthony Jeselnik talking kids book A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend couple funny We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. Anthony Jeselnik humor brother funny I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. Anthony Jeselnik worried my-girlfriend girlfriend I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody. Anthony Jeselnik careers complaining needs Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks. Anthony Jeselnik huge children thinking Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces." Anthony Jeselnik turkeys children years My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing. Anthony Jeselnik dad knowing boys The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. Anthony Jeselnik band girl way I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket. Anthony Jeselnik squirrels tennis car I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album. Anthony Jeselnik eight new-york writing
