I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. Dave Attell More Quotes by Dave Attell More Quotes From Dave Attell My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail? Dave Attell dream doors two Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! Dave Attell humor funny school There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal. Dave Attell humor giving funny Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. Dave Attell cuddling humor funny You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? Dave Attell good-times fun thinking Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape. Dave Attell growing-up dad funny You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun. Dave Attell ass tongue alarms Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. Dave Attell crystals teeth helping It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying. Dave Attell president trying water If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. Dave Attell drunk phones book What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. Dave Attell humor rivers funny Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!" Dave Attell humor funny sex The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!" Dave Attell running discovery funny Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it. Dave Attell differences moving thinking You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. Dave Attell humor men funny Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. Dave Attell humor relationship funny You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy." Dave Attell humor land funny I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said! Dave Attell girlfriend said sometimes The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down! Dave Attell voice parent writing Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. Dave Attell girlfriend morning funny
