I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke? Doug Stanhope killing hands people I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals. Doug Stanhope hate country thinking I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more! Doug Stanhope unions looks thinking Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. Doug Stanhope drunk humor funny Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis. Doug Stanhope alive sin trying People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. Doug Stanhope party want people The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit. Doug Stanhope good-life bullshit keys Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking. Doug Stanhope issues fun thinking I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty. Doug Stanhope benefits drinking knows Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once. Doug Stanhope months waiting beer If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. Doug Stanhope humor baby funny High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography. Doug Stanhope ruined definitions used The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback. Doug Stanhope math wrestling kids Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone. Doug Stanhope life-is-like life-is animal A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game! Doug Stanhope competition games people Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid. Doug Stanhope stupid I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000. Doug Stanhope bored years ideas When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society. Doug Stanhope homosexuality this-society world Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. Doug Stanhope humor funny people You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. Doug Stanhope humour should laughing
