I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner More Quotes by Rita Rudner More Quotes From Rita Rudner I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life. Rita Rudner hours miles three My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing. Rita Rudner lunch mother school Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in. Rita Rudner husband humor funny It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. Rita Rudner comedy humor funny Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." Rita Rudner humor caring funny My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. Rita Rudner thanksgiving mother funny I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup. Rita Rudner telephones imagine limits I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. Rita Rudner jokes writing thinking Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs. Rita Rudner airplane jobs men Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to. Rita Rudner weight sight men Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. Rita Rudner humor men funny Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now. Rita Rudner nobody-knows aging know-how Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. Rita Rudner mother men book All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience. Rita Rudner drs men sex I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance. Rita Rudner i-hate nice hate My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take Rita Rudner parent inspiration long The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. Rita Rudner schizophrenic closest I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them. Rita Rudner mother father children I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts. Rita Rudner dieting exercise years Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". Rita Rudner nice humor funny
