I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous. Mike Birbiglia More Quotes by Mike Birbiglia More Quotes From Mike Birbiglia I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated. Mike Birbiglia girllittlesthinking Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans. Mike Birbiglia perfectnightpeople I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few years." I dunno, it almost feels hackneyed at this point. To start a premise by saying, "I did this awkward thing." But then again, awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy. Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. Mike Birbiglia awkwardfeelingsthinking To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are able to break through is so small a fraction of the amount of people trying. Mike Birbiglia luckytryingpeople Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream Mike Birbiglia ice-creamfalling-in-lovelove-is What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. Mike Birbiglia humormathfunny The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial. Mike Birbiglia healthytvskeys Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.' Mike Birbiglia madhumorfunny I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception. Mike Birbiglia ployreceptionwhole-family It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others. Mike Birbiglia cleverfunnychildren Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you. Mike Birbiglia humorstrongfunny I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" Mike Birbiglia yankeeshumorfunny When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?" Mike Birbiglia painsongfunny Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!" Mike Birbiglia humortryingfunny The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is. Mike Birbiglia reluctantone-thingcomedy I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness. Mike Birbiglia genuinebornstyle I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!' Mike Birbiglia parents-marriageparentyears Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea. Mike Birbiglia creepypeopleideas I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk." Mike Birbiglia holidayhumorfunny I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. Mike Birbiglia humorsoulfunny
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