I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me. Mitch Hedberg humor would-be funny I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Mitch Hedberg humor funny way Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. Mitch Hedberg humor food funny I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. Mitch Hedberg humor watches funny When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. Mitch Hedberg humor light funny When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. Mitch Hedberg humor brother funny If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. Mitch Hedberg drunk humor funny I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg humor funny long I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er". Mitch Hedberg humor jobs funny Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets." Mitch Hedberg mcdonalds humor funny When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Mitch Hedberg humor funny hands I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff. Mitch Hedberg cancer humor funny One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. Mitch Hedberg humor funny rooms The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. Mitch Hedberg humor clever funny I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". Mitch Hedberg wine humor funny When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. Mitch Hedberg arrows humor funny I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. Mitch Hedberg dont-give-up giving-up funny The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg wall depressing funny I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg humor birthday funny I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail! Mitch Hedberg humor race funny
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