I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield crazy beauty funny You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. Rodney Dangerfield ugly sticks mouths When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield pregnancy funny moving My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. Rodney Dangerfield dental-floss kitchen wife I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Rodney Dangerfield morning funny sex I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield hate humorous funny Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." Rodney Dangerfield smart clever funny A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. Rodney Dangerfield guy wish men I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. Rodney Dangerfield funny-relationship wine men A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield girl home funny Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. Rodney Dangerfield pairs my-favorite sex My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield doctors mirrors drinking When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. Rodney Dangerfield cancer men kids I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield fathers-day dad happy Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. Rodney Dangerfield humor suicide funny I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! Rodney Dangerfield wife humor funny It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. Rodney Dangerfield gray-hair gray hair You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach. Rodney Dangerfield men beach believe I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. Rodney Dangerfield sexy humor funny I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you Rodney Dangerfield scales wife lovers
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