I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. Steven Wright husbandhumorfunny Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Steven Wright humordoorsfunny To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Steven Wright humorousfunnyideas I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using? Steven Wright shoesfeetmen I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit . Steven Wright humorwaterfunny I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Steven Wright tiredbirthdaymoving When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Steven Wright successpositivelife I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. Steven Wright madnessmindlost What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Steven Wright humorlittlesfunny My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear. Steven Wright nephewdoeattention I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' Steven Wright humorlimitsfunny My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven Wright wittyfriendshipfunny When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints. Steven Wright mothersleepnight I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright naturebeachfunny I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Steven Wright friendshappy-birthdayfunny Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Steven Wright humorwritingfunny You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright laughterhumorousfunny In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks. Steven Wright hindsightinsightfulkind If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. Steven Wright humorfunnytwo I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright gonepetdog
