I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed Demetri Martin machines speed home My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Demetri Martin nice funny dirty I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". Demetri Martin humor funny firsts I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it. Demetri Martin sweaters dog two The earth without art is just eh. Demetri Martin art-is earth art Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. Demetri Martin cat dog looks I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. Demetri Martin ex-girlfriend girlfriend thinking It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car. Demetri Martin distance fighting dog Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs. Demetri Martin count-your-blessings loud blessing How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself. Demetri Martin sketchbooks creative looks I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles. Demetri Martin shapes culture moving If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed. Demetri Martin alcohol bed beer Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. Demetri Martin cliche timing long A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.' Demetri Martin couple humor funny I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over. Demetri Martin humor baby funny Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion. Demetri Martin explosions popcorn results How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray. Demetri Martin zebras doe running How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door. Demetri Martin doors My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. Demetri Martin car humor funny It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. Demetri Martin role-models people thinking
