I took a baby shower. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him. Steven Wright paranoid not-sure dog Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Steven Wright anger sarcastic depression When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. Steven Wright humor time funny The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Steven Wright severity humor funny Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Steven Wright glue humor funny If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Steven Wright clever success funny Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Steven Wright procrastination humor funny In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. Steven Wright humor funny school How come abbreviated is such a long word? Steven Wright humor funny long Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Steven Wright psychics humor funny I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright funny-inspirational dream love My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. Steven Wright time cute funny I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright coffee food funny How do you get off a non-stop flight? Steven Wright non-stop flight No one is listening until you make a mistake. Steven Wright humor mistake funny If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Steven Wright cowboy humor funny Half the people you know are below average. Steven Wright humor average funny Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Steven Wright pawn-shops pawns chess I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. Steven Wright girlfriend humor funny Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? Steven Wright humor funny people
