I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg humorfootballfunny I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there. Mitch Hedberg namesrealitythinking If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." Mitch Hedberg humorrealfunny No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. Mitch Hedberg conesice-creamice I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!" Mitch Hedberg girlwinefunny I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody. Mitch Hedberg madmeanpeople I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? Mitch Hedberg humorfunnytwo I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. Mitch Hedberg guitarplayteacher I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnytwo I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. Mitch Hedberg humorstufffunny I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnyhands My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. Mitch Hedberg girlfriendhumorfunny Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus. Mitch Hedberg nexthumorfunny Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see." Mitch Hedberg horseconfusedfunny If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised. Mitch Hedberg humorwantfunny I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! Mitch Hedberg humorwaitingfunny I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited. Mitch Hedberg becoming-onecomediancouple I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnythinking I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. Mitch Hedberg giraffehateanimal I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky! Mitch Hedberg humorwinningfunny
