I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure by Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Tommy Cooper

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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. by Tommy Cooper

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

window-shopping humor funny

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

humor drinking funny

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this tast... by Tommy Cooper

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

taste doe two

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

girl beautiful funny

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. by Tommy Cooper

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

humor men funny

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

humor men funny

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. by Tommy Cooper

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

bullshit humor funny

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

humor home funny

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

humor blow funny

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

humor funny people

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

crazy silly funny

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, bu... by Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

bars humor funny

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

couple humor funny

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

assistants dog funny

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

violin humor funny

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days! by Tommy Cooper

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

whiskey scotch three

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

humor funny book

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said... by Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

humor dog funny

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

motivation humorous funny

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

party humor funny