I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want. Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors. Jim Gaffigan actors littles people I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me. Jim Gaffigan my-children father children When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. Jim Gaffigan bed fighting funny When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause. Jim Gaffigan sizzling cooking sound For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again. Jim Gaffigan waiting morning night You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No." Jim Gaffigan funny book school Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo. Jim Gaffigan nice humor funny I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback." Jim Gaffigan comedy causes funny I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda. Jim Gaffigan girl humor funny I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene. Jim Gaffigan blind humor funny You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading. Jim Gaffigan reading funny book Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. Jim Gaffigan inspirational funny travel Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. Jim Gaffigan dad parent laughing My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' Jim Gaffigan wife humor funny I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time. Jim Gaffigan tunnels new-york funny I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus. Jim Gaffigan want feels jesus New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign." Jim Gaffigan rip new-york funny Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod." Jim Gaffigan comedy funny television Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby. Jim Gaffigan bad-mood months baby Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either. Jim Gaffigan granted expectations people
