I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV. Demetri Martin real games sports When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop. Demetri Martin lasts stories night To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours. Demetri Martin hate stranger interesting I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak. Demetri Martin language ties thinking I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear. Demetri Martin dancing would-be thinking Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing. Demetri Martin jealous bird laughing I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. Demetri Martin pie littles thinking If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.' Demetri Martin pie mouths faces One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.' Demetri Martin old-man saws men Clowns have no respect for pie. Demetri Martin clown no-respect pie I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. Demetri Martin funny kids thinking I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive. Demetri Martin bed air trying It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes. Demetri Martin bmw car interesting I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately. Demetri Martin reminiscing digital cameras Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing. Demetri Martin halloween giving years I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please. Demetri Martin please whole Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion. Demetri Martin mosquitoes communion jesus Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. Demetri Martin satisfying shooting hate A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy. Demetri Martin drawing design tattoo Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything. Demetri Martin artist kids people
