I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astrona... by Demetri Martin

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Demetri Martin

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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. by Demetri Martin

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

peter all-time actors

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

girl cute funny

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People... by Demetri Martin

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

our-time people television

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room. by Demetri Martin

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

globes planning rooms

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague. by Demetri Martin

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

colleagues boss want

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

hate humor funny

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with M... by Demetri Martin

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

tiles bathroom artist

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way to... by Demetri Martin

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

sleepovers drinking house

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it. by Demetri Martin

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

squirrels sunglasses looks

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather... by Demetri Martin

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

weather sometimes firsts

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

helpful important waiting

Vampires probably don't have great breath. by Demetri Martin

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

breaths vampire

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

proud body winning

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chai... by Demetri Martin

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

glue nails crazy

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets. by Demetri Martin

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

celebrate independence pet

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). by Demetri Martin

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

chiefs boomerang australia

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, I... by Demetri Martin

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

body mind beer

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples. by Demetri Martin

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

tape scotch sexy

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsi... by Demetri Martin

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

land taken earth

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target. by Demetri Martin

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

target men enemy