I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

Mitch Hedberg

Categorized in : Funny Philosophy Humor

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

Mitch Hedberg

teeth humor funny

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

Mitch Hedberg

wall sleep funny

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Mitch Hedberg

hilarious witty funny

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

Mitch Hedberg

prosperous long

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg

get-real mad girl

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

Mitch Hedberg

stores records said

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

Mitch Hedberg

humor animal funny

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

Mitch Hedberg

humor men funny

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny years

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

Mitch Hedberg

daughter mother funny

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Mitch Hedberg

cab-drivers humor funny

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Mitch Hedberg

humor hot funny

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Mitch Hedberg

humor lakes funny

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Mitch Hedberg

drug humor funny

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

Mitch Hedberg

guy golf way

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Mitch Hedberg

humor home funny

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

Mitch Hedberg

humor would-be funny

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

Mitch Hedberg

ice humor funny

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

Mitch Hedberg

humor funny mean

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Mitch Hedberg

nice humor funny