I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

Mitch Hedberg

Categorized in : Funny Philosophy Humor

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated u... by Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

humor funny people

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

purple humor funny

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

cutting humor funny

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and addi... by Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

lasts humor funny

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. by Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

stairs convenience break

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

car humor funny

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Fri... by Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

lonely humor funny

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

fashion humor funny

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

humor light funny

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

scratches humor funny

I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.

mouths water thinking

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

kings sorry funny

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I w... by Mitch Hedberg

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

humor house funny

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

humor numbers funny

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

cutting humor funny

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and mak... by Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

humor funny people

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

comedy clouds funny

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

humor real funny

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

humor night funny

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

husband funny children